Pretty Ugly

Originally Published: 12/19/2015

Dear Diners,

We want you to have a good time when you go out to eat. Truly. That’s the whole deal. It makes your life easier, it makes our life easier, and – correct me if I’m wrong – that’s kind of the point of leaving your house and putting on real pants.

Whether you planned a night out, or just panic-parked because you saw a sign for food and your blood sugar was dropping, this is supposed to be enjoyable.

And yes, it’s partially our job to make sure that happens.

There’s a wide range of you. Some of you are absolute gems. Delightful. A joy. The kind of people we talk about in the kitchen in a good way.

Some of you… are not.

Most of you land somewhere in the middle, which is fine. We love a solid, emotionally stable “just here to eat” vibe.

Like most seasoned servers, I have mastered the art of smiling sweetly while saying, “Absolutely!” But just know, behind that smile is someone who has (at least once that night) walked into the kitchen and strung together a genuinely impressive, borderline poetic combination of colorful words.

Sometimes that reason is the kitchen.

Sometimes that reason is management.

And sometimes… it’s you.

Now don’t get me wrong, we are here to serve you. That’s literally the job. We want your experience to be better than the place down the road. We want you to come back (most of the time). But most of all, we want you to leave happy.

But we are also human beings. Actual, real-life people.

Your server might be 19 and attempting to pay for school, 24 and living their best chaotic life, or an adult trying to make their mortgage payment without losing their mind – we exist outside of your table.

We have families, kids, grocery lists. Morning alarms that go off way too early after a closing shift.

So… a few gentle reminders:

• Look at us when we speak to you.
• Acknowledge us when we check on your food.
• Do not snap your fingers or shake your glass.
• Don’t grab us as we walk by – actually, just don’t touch us.

We speak your language. Just use your words.

Most of us chose this job because we actually like people. We like the energy, the chaos, the connection.

So, meet us there.

To the super fun, awesome humans – you make our night. Honestly.

To the middle-of-the-road, just-here-to-eat crowd – we appreciate your stability.

And to the cranky, rude, and deeply committed to being difficult:

Stay home.

All the best (to everyone except table 12),

A Career Waitress